No pain, no gain. No.

I had to go on a walk tonight to cool off. For no particular reason other than the fact that my mind goes off on tangents and works itself up and I was so overwhelmed with negative emotions that I felt I might pass out. If I didn't immediately get out of my apartment and just start walking, I would probably scream and possibly throw myself over the railing. But not before I saw the answer to Final Jeopardy, which was stupid hard and no one got it right and that did not help the emotions.

So off I set.

It was good; I had my music and I had my sunglasses and I had open flat streets leading nowhere in particular.

But the music still couldn't drown out the negative thoughts. I didn't get far before I came to my newest realization: there are no guys in my life who bring me peace and joy.

Okay I don't mean that as a blanket statement about all guys in my life. But I mean it in the way that I've generally kept amicable relationships with the guys I've dated. I've been able to chat with them should I feel the need. But I started counting... one, two, three... seven... I got as far as seven when I realized that thinking back on these guys only brings anger and resentment. I have no fond feelings whatsoever for seven people, off the top of my head, who were once very close to me at varying times and in varying degrees.

I'm feeling a lot of negativeness lately. Jealousy, sadness, turmoil, confusion. I don't really know what to do about that.

So I went for a walk. And 2 miles in, developed debilitating blisters on both feet. I told myself to focus on that physical pain instead of the emotional pain.

Didn't work.

Now it's just two different, painful pains. Eating away at me, from my head to my feet.

What is love?

How important is romantic love in one's life? Are people who have someone to love them on a deeper level happier? More fulfilled? More confident? Do they live longer?

I started thinking about how I've only dated one person who loved me, and that relationship lasted only one year. I wondered if that brings me down or makes me stronger. I see many people on facebook who are so fully loved by their partner... who receive gifts, who get a hug or kiss every day, who hear the words "I love you" on an incredibly regular basis. And I wonder if, being someone who gets none of those things, I've got to be the type of person with floundering self-assuredness, self-worth and self-confidence. Or does that mean I am rather strong, in a way that allows me to go on while so severely lacking in that little four letter word that makes the world go 'round? 

My family was not the type to say I love you. We still don't. I've never had a problem with that, but it's occurred to me that maybe it's affected me more deeply than I ever thought. Maybe now that I don't have anyone who loves me other than my parents and a couple girl friends, I take it harder than someone who was told he or she was loved regularly. I know that whenever one of my close friends tells me she loves me, I almost feel like crying. 

Something tells me that's not healthy.

That tells me I don't feel like I'm worthy of love. As something that has never come regularly or naturally, will it ever come easy, be it from me to someone else or to me from someone else?

But it also brings up another point. Is there a substitute for romantic love, I wonder? To be loved by someone else, someone who is not a friend, who is not a parent or sibling, is such an important feeling (I imagine). And I imagine that those of us who do not have that, who have had that for only a small fraction of their lives, cannot possibly be as happy and fulfilled as their counterparts. But this is not an easily solvable problem, so then what? You can't go buy love. You can't just decide to be in love and have that person love you. And at the same time, you can't constantly feel bad for yourself. I mean, you can, but that's lame.

So really. Where can unromantically-loved people get a replacement? Is it possible? Can you live a full life, fully happy and fully satisfied, only subsisting off of platonic parental and friend-based love?

I never learn

And then I found this song. And I realized it is me.

Here I go again (...you know the rest)

Is there a name for this? The person you like doesn't like you. You don't like the person who likes you. I call it the most goddamn frustrating phenomenon in the whole goddamn world.

I have forever complained about how guys don't like me. This isn't true. The RIGHT guys don't like me. I don't know which is worse... having no guy like you or having the wrong guy like you. If I don't like a guy, there's really no redeeming factor in him liking me. I feel like I'm over the "being flattered" phase. Although perhaps I was never in that phase. I was in the aloof phase of not even grasping the concept that someone could or would like me. I've always felt that there is no way a guy would like me (see: "low self-esteem"). Unless he comes right out and says, "I like you," I don't see it.

But that's not the point. The point is: my whole life, I've had unhealthy crushes on all the wrong guys. I do not understand people who find each other and are impossibly happy and together forever. Or together for more than one year (my personal record, which did not include being impossibly happy).

Relationships schmrelationships. Time to be impossibly happy being solo once more.

Making An Appeal

I'm almost ashamed to admit how long I've been doing this online dating thing.

Actually, yeah, I'm completely ashamed. I'm definitely not going to divulge how long I've had my profile.

But why am I ashamed? Online dating is second nature these days. If you can't find a mate at school, at work or at a bar, what other choices do you have? The answer is zero. Zero other choices. Essentially.

I'm ashamed because I'm not appealing to quality guys online. I'm ashamed because these are some of the guys who I appeal to (typos included):

"Hello and good morning." -- Swag69

"Hey! where do you work?"

"i been lookin at you out the corner of my eyes
you make a pimp wanna shout aye ye ye"

"I have a brother whose a famous author. Another whos best friends with jack black the actor."

"If I owned Zales shop and you were my guest. I would invite you for dinner and special evening. You be center of my attention and focus. Since your pictures and profile on here 'shines and stands out'!"

"You are beautil, I would like to be your friend"

I'll admit I rarely even respond to normal messages, but really? Is there something about me that says, "SWF, desperately seeking: illiteracy, tactlessness. Message me ASAP, thx!"

Sometimes it feels like after x number of years of doing this, maybe the single life just is what I was meant to live.

I ride my own little sine wave of loving being (seemingly) forever single and dejectedly wondering what is wrong with me. I've gone the route of trying not to think about it, which is why these blog posts have gotten fewer and farther between. But then...

There's Facebook.

I don't really want to go into all that I hate about Facebook. I just know that I fantasize about shutting mine down completely. But I can't. Just like I can't shut down my dating profile after so many unsuccessful years.

This is another reason I'm ashamed. Because I, like everyone else, am a sucker for attention. I need the occasional "like" on Facebook, and I need the occasional "You are beautil" on OKCupid. I need to think that if some guy owned a Zales shop I could be his guest and be the center of his attention and focus.

So I keep on doing as I've been doing. But how do I figure out how to finally appease myself? How do I become, at least for a moment, content (and possibly even unashamed)?

I'm not sure yet. But I have a feeling I'm not going to find it online.

Un Deux Trois

Car shopping.
Job hunting.
Boyfriend searching.

These things do not come easy for me. And there seems to be something related between them all.

There are certain things you see right away and know it's not going to work. Maybe you go back and look one more time, or ten more times, but every time something holds you back. Is this being snobbish, or is this knowing what you want, or maybe a little bit of both?

I see a bright blue car and I know straight away it's not the one for me. But then I keep going back to it. Maybe the color will grow on me? Maybe it's perfect in every other way? It's just one flaw, really.

I find a job that's on the outskirts of town and it's clear I won't be applying. But then it keeps popping up. So maybe it's not my dream job, but maybe the pay is great, or the people are great, or the product is great.

I discover a guy in army fatigues has sent a message to me a dating site. Right away, that's a no. But our likes and dislikes are similar and he always shows up at the top of my results. Is his involvement in the military that big of a deal?

I imagine I can't be alone in having this problem. If I'm in no immediate need for a new car, new job or new boyfriend, I don't need to settle until I've found perfection, right? But at the same time, am I giving up too soon and passing up a potential gem?

And that's the rub.

They say things come in threes. Here are my three. So let's see what happens.

You Must Not Know 'Bout Me

So as you may be able to tell from this blog, I don't have a good track record when it comes to relationships. And as I've mentioned before, even though I have years of experience with breakups, they don't get easier with experience. Some things, however, do help.

Last night my dear friend Nikia invited me out to partake in one of my all-time favorite activities: singing. But this was a new singing experience. It wasn't karaoke or singing in the car, it was an organized adult group sing-a-long. And it was fabulous.

I have to admit, when I first learned the theme of the songs would be love, I was saddened. After just getting dumped, I wasn't in the mood to hear sappy love lyrics. Then I remembered not all songs about love are happy ones. The group of about 15-20 people started out tame enough, singing "The Shoop Shoop Shoop Song (It's in His Kiss)" [side note: it totally IS in his kiss] and "Ho Hey," but then we got some angsty songs... "Don't Speak," "Somebody That I Used to Know," "Irreplaceable," and, the highlight for me, "You Oughta Know."

It's one thing to listen to an angry breakup song in your house or in your car, but when you're with a group of strangers coming together and shout-singing about a relationship gone wrong, it's incredibly cathartic.

I was actually feeling pretty happy again. So when "I'll Make Love to You" was on queue, I happily obliged to sing about people in love (or lust) getting it on. [Side note #2: unsurprisingly, we also sang "Let's Get it On."] I reminisced about middle school slow dances when "Truly Madly Deeply" came on, couldn't help belting out "I Wanna Dance with Somebody," and ended strong with my favorite duo, Hall & Oates' "You Make My Dreams Come True."

I'm so glad someone decided to create this event. I love singing in the first place, so two hours of it was perfect.

Laughter may be the best medicine, but group sing-a-longs will definitely help the all-too-common broken heart syndrome.