No pain, no gain. No.

I had to go on a walk tonight to cool off. For no particular reason other than the fact that my mind goes off on tangents and works itself up and I was so overwhelmed with negative emotions that I felt I might pass out. If I didn't immediately get out of my apartment and just start walking, I would probably scream and possibly throw myself over the railing. But not before I saw the answer to Final Jeopardy, which was stupid hard and no one got it right and that did not help the emotions.

So off I set.

It was good; I had my music and I had my sunglasses and I had open flat streets leading nowhere in particular.

But the music still couldn't drown out the negative thoughts. I didn't get far before I came to my newest realization: there are no guys in my life who bring me peace and joy.

Okay I don't mean that as a blanket statement about all guys in my life. But I mean it in the way that I've generally kept amicable relationships with the guys I've dated. I've been able to chat with them should I feel the need. But I started counting... one, two, three... seven... I got as far as seven when I realized that thinking back on these guys only brings anger and resentment. I have no fond feelings whatsoever for seven people, off the top of my head, who were once very close to me at varying times and in varying degrees.

I'm feeling a lot of negativeness lately. Jealousy, sadness, turmoil, confusion. I don't really know what to do about that.

So I went for a walk. And 2 miles in, developed debilitating blisters on both feet. I told myself to focus on that physical pain instead of the emotional pain.

Didn't work.

Now it's just two different, painful pains. Eating away at me, from my head to my feet.

What is love?

How important is romantic love in one's life? Are people who have someone to love them on a deeper level happier? More fulfilled? More confident? Do they live longer?

I started thinking about how I've only dated one person who loved me, and that relationship lasted only one year. I wondered if that brings me down or makes me stronger. I see many people on facebook who are so fully loved by their partner... who receive gifts, who get a hug or kiss every day, who hear the words "I love you" on an incredibly regular basis. And I wonder if, being someone who gets none of those things, I've got to be the type of person with floundering self-assuredness, self-worth and self-confidence. Or does that mean I am rather strong, in a way that allows me to go on while so severely lacking in that little four letter word that makes the world go 'round? 

My family was not the type to say I love you. We still don't. I've never had a problem with that, but it's occurred to me that maybe it's affected me more deeply than I ever thought. Maybe now that I don't have anyone who loves me other than my parents and a couple girl friends, I take it harder than someone who was told he or she was loved regularly. I know that whenever one of my close friends tells me she loves me, I almost feel like crying. 

Something tells me that's not healthy.

That tells me I don't feel like I'm worthy of love. As something that has never come regularly or naturally, will it ever come easy, be it from me to someone else or to me from someone else?

But it also brings up another point. Is there a substitute for romantic love, I wonder? To be loved by someone else, someone who is not a friend, who is not a parent or sibling, is such an important feeling (I imagine). And I imagine that those of us who do not have that, who have had that for only a small fraction of their lives, cannot possibly be as happy and fulfilled as their counterparts. But this is not an easily solvable problem, so then what? You can't go buy love. You can't just decide to be in love and have that person love you. And at the same time, you can't constantly feel bad for yourself. I mean, you can, but that's lame.

So really. Where can unromantically-loved people get a replacement? Is it possible? Can you live a full life, fully happy and fully satisfied, only subsisting off of platonic parental and friend-based love?

I never learn

And then I found this song. And I realized it is me.