I had to go on a walk tonight to cool off. For no particular reason other than the fact that my mind goes off on tangents and works itself up and I was so overwhelmed with negative emotions that I felt I might pass out. If I didn't immediately get out of my apartment and just start walking, I would probably scream and possibly throw myself over the railing. But not before I saw the answer to Final Jeopardy, which was stupid hard and no one got it right and that did not help the emotions.
So off I set.
It was good; I had my music and I had my sunglasses and I had open flat streets leading nowhere in particular.
But the music still couldn't drown out the negative thoughts. I didn't get far before I came to my newest realization: there are no guys in my life who bring me peace and joy.
Okay I don't mean that as a blanket statement about all guys in my life. But I mean it in the way that I've generally kept amicable relationships with the guys I've dated. I've been able to chat with them should I feel the need. But I started counting... one, two, three... seven... I got as far as seven when I realized that thinking back on these guys only brings anger and resentment. I have no fond feelings whatsoever for seven people, off the top of my head, who were once very close to me at varying times and in varying degrees.
I'm feeling a lot of negativeness lately. Jealousy, sadness, turmoil, confusion. I don't really know what to do about that.
So I went for a walk. And 2 miles in, developed debilitating blisters on both feet. I told myself to focus on that physical pain instead of the emotional pain.
Didn't work.
Now it's just two different, painful pains. Eating away at me, from my head to my feet.
