Making An Appeal

I'm almost ashamed to admit how long I've been doing this online dating thing.

Actually, yeah, I'm completely ashamed. I'm definitely not going to divulge how long I've had my profile.

But why am I ashamed? Online dating is second nature these days. If you can't find a mate at school, at work or at a bar, what other choices do you have? The answer is zero. Zero other choices. Essentially.

I'm ashamed because I'm not appealing to quality guys online. I'm ashamed because these are some of the guys who I appeal to (typos included):

"Hello and good morning." -- Swag69

"Hey! where do you work?"

"i been lookin at you out the corner of my eyes
you make a pimp wanna shout aye ye ye"

"I have a brother whose a famous author. Another whos best friends with jack black the actor."

"If I owned Zales shop and you were my guest. I would invite you for dinner and special evening. You be center of my attention and focus. Since your pictures and profile on here 'shines and stands out'!"

"You are beautil, I would like to be your friend"

I'll admit I rarely even respond to normal messages, but really? Is there something about me that says, "SWF, desperately seeking: illiteracy, tactlessness. Message me ASAP, thx!"

Sometimes it feels like after x number of years of doing this, maybe the single life just is what I was meant to live.

I ride my own little sine wave of loving being (seemingly) forever single and dejectedly wondering what is wrong with me. I've gone the route of trying not to think about it, which is why these blog posts have gotten fewer and farther between. But then...

There's Facebook.

I don't really want to go into all that I hate about Facebook. I just know that I fantasize about shutting mine down completely. But I can't. Just like I can't shut down my dating profile after so many unsuccessful years.

This is another reason I'm ashamed. Because I, like everyone else, am a sucker for attention. I need the occasional "like" on Facebook, and I need the occasional "You are beautil" on OKCupid. I need to think that if some guy owned a Zales shop I could be his guest and be the center of his attention and focus.

So I keep on doing as I've been doing. But how do I figure out how to finally appease myself? How do I become, at least for a moment, content (and possibly even unashamed)?

I'm not sure yet. But I have a feeling I'm not going to find it online.